Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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