shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
