One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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