i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
