covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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