so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
