well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
