Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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