I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
