I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
