every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
