I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
