I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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