I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize