ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
