What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
