Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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