i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
