low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
