jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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