Your mouth is God's brothel.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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