i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
