someone threw a dead crab at me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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