Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
