Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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