It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
