i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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