just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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