Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
