I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
