Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize