soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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