I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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