he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
