Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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