I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
