When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
