I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
