fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize