I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
