Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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