Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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