Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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