my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
