OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
