i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
