I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
