just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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