I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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