I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
