Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
