if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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