I just saw a hot homeless man
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
