The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
