when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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