also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
