I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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