for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
