Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
