"it" just moved
literally had 100 drinks last night.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
