I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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