I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
