Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
