Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why did my mother make you get naked?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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